d a r k l o r e

2004-03-05T21:37:00.000+08:00

new blog people.

2004-03-02T18:15:00.000+08:00

could everyone please stop asking how i
freaking did for my gces? im sick of everyone
going, 'oh, so how did it go?' 'im sure you'll go
poly', 'oh im sure', 'oh, you must have'
oh, im fucking sure if you dont shut up, i'll
shove shit up your ass.

ive got my own problems to ache over and the last
thing i need is someone who shows me a
fucking black face or say something that just pisses me off
when all i wanted was to fucking say:
HI, HOW ARE YOU FEELING.

2004-02-17T18:40:00.000+08:00

i couldnt explain myself.

2004-02-04T17:32:00.000+08:00

if there's really one thing to say about me,
it's that im really silly. really really silly. im
nauseated by this trait of mine. really,
irritated. i do stupid stuff and make myself
really sad and start bawling. for some
reason, i love to make myself suffer. i
actually choose to feel this way. i mean, is
there any way to prove yourself a mesokist?

ym's sleeping on my sofa now. im making
quite a lot of noise to wake her up but it's
not working. she's one dead log at the
moment. it's axel's birthday today and my mom
actually took half the day off to cook for him.
bought him lunch and all. when it was my
birthday, she just said:

sorry, im working. settle your own dinner.
happy birthday.

and that was it. no present, no special
dinner, no nothing. just, settle your own dinner.

thanks very much mom, i love you too.

i should have been born a boy too.

What attracts people to you?
brought to you by Quizilla

2004-01-28T23:05:00.000+08:00

i dont what to say. why do things have to be the
way they are. why does God have to be so fair?
why does he give but take? why am i the way i am.
why do i sacrifice just to see you smile? why do i
go through the heartaches just to make you happy.
why do you not know that for the past 5 months
it's you i've been wanting.

2004-01-20T23:18:00.000+08:00

im running, you're choking me. i tried, it wasnt
enough. you keep taking and i keep giving. it
may seem like the other way round but it isnt.
when will you leave me alone and go away
for good. it's your being pathetic that eats
into everyone. yes everyone, even the very
best ones. it's you who should go away, not
any one else. i mince my words, not releasing
the river. i hate you, you made me. now go away.

2004-01-19T23:55:00.000+08:00

i spent $500 today and im not happy.
im just really sad that i spent it all so
quick. i's wanted to savour the taste of
my own-hard-earned money and pride
myself for being so hard-working.
but itchy-witchy-sitchy hands, i had to
buy almost everything i saw. let's run
down the things i bought.

1. a DKNY watch $160
2. lots of lingerie $80
3. 2 pairs of shoes $120
4. mobile bill $170

and you know what? i havent even started
on the clothes.

2004-01-17T23:56:00.000+08:00

mark, thanks for flooding my comment box with 8
of the same comment. i do really get your point.

i have come to a decision that from this day forth i
shall keep my sarcarsm and comments to
my dear self for im very much afraid that people
would mistaken my annonymous referrals as
themselves. which of course would create serious
repercussions, that of which im not able to with take.
i do whole-heartedly apologise for past misunderstandings,
and i hope it will remain as that-misunderstandings.

the world is as it is. no matter how honest or sincere
i am, i still get excretion in my face. i am seriously taxed,
almost diametrically. and if i go on like this, trying to
save the things i love and treasure single-handedly, i will
eventually die out. i dont mean ill. i really dont. i thank
God, for all that i have and those i have met and sinfully
anguish for those that i dont. i thank those who have
understood and hope for those who dont that they will,
someday, somehow.

2004-01-16T01:09:00.000+08:00

2004-01-11T00:08:00.000+08:00

i almost got sacked this morning, no actually i almost
quit this morning. my manager was pissed with me.
and i mean, really irritated, the kind where you really
wanted to slap me if you spotted me. ok, i admit, i've got
a rather mild problem with my attitude. i mean mild
only. all i do is not smile at customers, throw the shoes
when the customers dont put them back properly and
slam all the hangers when they dont put the clothes
right. i cant help it. ive had loads of complaints from
customers about my attitude but... but... i really cant
help it, it's not that i havent tried or anything!
till i find a better job, i shall just have to remain calm.

anyways, met with my cheryl and nickee, long lost
friends cum sisters. it felt really good being in each
other's company. the whole meeting was perfect if you
minused off the parts where nickee stopped at every
place we stepped into because of some old friends
she saw. well, it was all great at the end of the day.
im extremely disturbed these days because of you-know-
him. sigh. it's like... it's like... it's like it's gonna be a
never ever story.

2004-01-03T00:21:00.000+08:00

if it's one thing i'd learnt in the working world,
it's the importance of education and the strength
of wisdom. without either, you'd never be able
to see past the surface no matter how hard you try,
you'd never be able to reach the deeper ends and
understand the essence of things.

sadly, im surrounded by such people. shallow,
narcissistic, pathetic and small. they backstab each
other and oppose those who do not stand on their
side, who refuse to join them. i will not be a part
of such absurdity. i will not. i'd thought i'd left behind
such petty grievences back in secondary school,
but it seems like i can never run away from such things.
i'd walked out of one hell, straight on into another. i
never expected to get the same crap thrown back in my
face. the shit that i detest so much, that i'd been
trying to run away from ever since i knew it existed.
i'd never be like them,
i'd never cut short my education journey,
i'd never marry before ive matured in soul and
in mind.
i'd never throw my life away.

you'd never hear me say
" im 24, married and am a sales assistant"

2003-12-17T22:00:00.000+08:00

the people down at NAC M)phosis are like world's
worst people ive met so far. they're extremely
vindictive, your typical gossip-lover, nosey parker
and stuck up butt holes. just being there or seeing
them is plain torture! there was this once when i
walked all the way to Subway to get a sandwich
for dinner, came back settled in the stuffy store-
room (yes, it's that pathetic) and started munching
when one of them who came to take something asked
'Ehhh, ni ci she me?(what are you eating)' like isnt it
freaking obvious it's a bloody sandwich? it's not as if
i wrapped it up in black paper or something! She then
asked how much it was and i said round $5. Her eyes
grew big and she said ' she mo mian bao lai de? na
me gui!' i said yeah but it's good. so she went out. no
sooner another girl came in, 'hey i heard your bread's
really expensive! what's that!' in mandarin then follwed
by a third girl who asked the same freaking qns. what is
wrong with these people? what is it? when one person
knows something, the whole world has to know? ugh

and all of them are almost married!!! like what the
fuck and they're below 25. got married at 19, 20.
none of them have an n level or more.and all they
do is gossip about other people from the other outlets,
talk about credit cards, and sales~ somebody please
save me. really. save me.

2003-12-04T23:26:00.000+08:00

i just wanted to drop a short entry before i leave
for some hard work. after months of emotional
drain and turmoil amid much confusion of course,
i've finally decided on the path that i'd be taking
for the next few years of my life. i'm pretty sure
i'd stick to it, at least i hope to. i'm mighty glad
that i've at last come to a conclusion. if it hadnt
been for work, i'd never realise the path. so i
shld be rather glad about work. im planning to
quit though. it's torture and i can hardly talk to
the people there. they're mandarin-speaking and
might i add, extremely bitchy. so im pretty much
stranded with a bunch of over-aged mandarin-
speaking busybodies. im on the scout for a more
fulfilling job. hopefully where people speak normally,
are more friendly, and well, generally nicer in every
aspect.

sometimes i read my previous entries and i go
"oh my god, did i actually say or typed that?"
i feel so silly so i've decided to clean up the
blog and maybe revamp it when i have the time.

i've yet to start on my first assignment for this
diploma im hoping to get. so before they kick me
out, i'd better go pull my socks up.

good night, world.

2003-12-03T19:10:00.000+08:00

i'm ashley xie not ashley chia.

2003-12-02T00:04:00.000+08:00

i have blisters on my feet and hands. ive been standing since
10 am in the morn till 7 pm today and i can barely take it.
the soles of my feet ache like pure fuck and im so freaking
shitty tired. i have to do everything bloody fast and im so
clumsy. on the first day of work, i had to fucking see jaime
this lil-ultra-small-sized-but-big-headed-mother-fucking-
puny-shitty-slut who painted her cheeks the color of a
wayang actor. has she never seen someone working in a
boutique before. tsk. i feel kinda jaded at this point in time,
im no longer that silly lil girl who every one treats like a
baby. so please stop.

2003-11-28T17:02:00.000+08:00

Brazilian: por comentário de favor em inglês o próximo tempo, obrigado

2003-11-25T23:44:00.000+08:00

i dont know what's wrong, but i feel awful all of
a sudden. the exams are over, im suppose to
feel elated, jubilant and well just exhilarated but
sadly, im none of that. now that the nightmare's
gone, so have my friends. you cant blame me for
concentrating on my studies instead of my social
life. everyone keeps asking why i always hang
out with ym. well, it's because i know for sure that
she loves and cares for me and what's more, she
remembers and includes me. the rest of you dont.
the rest of you just tell me you love me, to take
care, to meet up soon blah blah, but how much of
that really comes from the heart? im not like most
of you, im not as extroverted, not as expressive,
not as direct, not as stylish or pretty but more
sensitive and quiet. most of your words are harsh,
you guys arent afraid to hurt, you guys just dont
hold back. ive missed out on so much because of
my studies and now, im like born again, im officially
excluded, it's not as if it hasnt happened before.
so the next time you qns me about my choice of
friends, think twice.

2003-11-23T21:44:00.000+08:00

im jealous, so jealous. my
mom bought a PS2 for my
bro today, it was like $400
bucks and she didnt even
think twice before buying it.
and what did i get? NOTHING.
my dad just went over to my
mom's place to DISCUSS abt
whichever school my bro shld
get into. WHATEVER.

when i had to choose my sch,
no one said anything, no one
gave a shit. i had to do all the
thinking. my mom had just to
bloody sign it! well, i must have
made a really good choice
because, look where i am now.
in this pathetic school. henderson
wasnt any of my choices, so fuck it,
wasted 4 freaking years of my life.
feel so wasted.

asking $20 bucks from my mom
would be like threatening to kill her.
i had to endure shit scoldings
just to get so little and now look,
she just spent more then $400
freaking dollars on my bro without
blinking. nice, isnt it? it's not as if he
exceptionally well.

like get the fuck out of my face?

2003-11-19T00:23:00.000+08:00

no that ive come to think of it,
i really think is imossible to
hate yourself, because if you
hate yourself, why are you, you?
well, why cant you love yourself?
we all pamper ourselves once in
a while, if we didnt love ourselves,
would we still be alive here, now?

reasoning aside.
i found a job today, and it's some-
thing i want so, hurray! i am pretty
happy about it, i'll be able to get
discounts!!! haha!

2003-11-16T16:30:00.000+08:00

im wondering how can anyone
hate themselves. when you
hate something, you'd wanna
get away from that thing, but
just how can you run away from
yourself? ive said before that i
abhor myself, but just thinking abt
it now makes me feel all stupid.

2003-11-14T21:58:00.000+08:00

siva, why couldnt you just leave your name?

2003-11-14T13:55:00.000+08:00

so i havent been studying for the past 7 days,
but so what?and my geography paper is on
monday, but so what, too? i dont feel like
studying, in fact, i dont feel like doing anything
at all. ive lost my energy somehow and all that
i can muster is eat, sleep, surf and watch tv
endlessly. did you know that singapore has no life?
they keep repeating the same stupid shows.
it's no wonder they're a 40-year old legacy, it's the
only tv station on this island!

so, ive been refusing all calls for the past whole week,
and i dont plan to call any of you back because i just
dont feel like it and i have nothing to say to you all. i
dont have time to waste on casual chit chats, it taxes
me greatly.

my phone was out of stock, was it that popular, so
because of some inconsiderate people, i'll have to wait
another few months or so for the phone. tsk. thanks.

this life is so over-rated.

2003-11-11T16:24:00.000+08:00

THINGS I HATE MOST:

1. WHEN SOMEONE ASKS ME WHAT BOOK
I AM READING AND TURNS THE BOOK TO
READ THE REVIEW AT THE BACK OR THE FRONT
TO SEE THE TITLE. OR EVEN CLOSE MY BOOK
RIGHT IN MY HANDS TO SEE THE TITLE.
FUCKING RUDE!

2. CALL ME WHEN IM DOING SOMETHING AND
JUST WANNA CHIT CHAT. OR CALL ME FOR
NOTHING.

3. ASK ME WHAT THE FUCK MADE ME ANGRY OR
DEPRESSED WHEN I AM ANGRY OR DEPRESSED.
AND INSIST ON KNOWING.

4. DO SOMETHING I TOLD YOU NOT TO DO ALREADY.
LIKE SHARING THE BOTTLE OF DRINK WHEN I TOLD
YOU NOT TO TOUCH THE FUCKING TOP WITH YOUR
FUCKING LIPS. I WILL JUST THROW THE FUCKING
BOTTLE AWAY.

5. LOOK AT ME LIKE IM SOME ALIEN WHEN IM ANGRY
AND KEEPING FUCKING QUIET.

6. GIVING ME PATHETIC FACES WHEN YOU WANT ME
TO DO SOMETHING FOR YOU WHEN YOU FUCKING KNOW
I DONT WANT TO.

7. ACT PATHETIC AND LIKE SUCH A POOR THING.

8. TELLING ME WHAT TO DO. I KNOW HOW TO FUCKING
RUN MY LIFE.

9. TELL ME WHY I FEEL A CERTAIN WAY WHEN YOU DONT
KNOW A FUCKING THING AND WHEN I ASK YOU TO JUST
LISTEN. GOD, DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT 'LISTEN' MEANS?

10. MAKING ME REPEAT WHAT I SAID TO SOMEONE ELSE OR
GO, " WHAT'D YOU SAY? WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS IT?" AND
PERSIST ON KNOWING WHATEVER WHEN IT HAS GOT
NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU.

do i look like the kind who need
to be told what to do
in order for something to be done?
is eating instant noodles so pathetic?
is not studying and taking a break the
greatest sin of all? do you have to
remind me to study? fuck it, you're
just a classmate dont push me around
and tell me how to handle my life when
you suck at yours. stop trying so hard
with all that stupid slangs and late nights
doing god knows what.
damn it, just stop trying so fucking hard
to be something, someone you're not.
if you're like that, be like that.
god, you should just fuck off!!!!!!
and please stop using all the fucked up
wrong words. get the dictionary if you
dont already have one. oh, do you even
know how the dictionary works?

JUST GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FACE

2003-11-09T17:51:00.000+08:00

met up with ym, doug and weiling. havent
seen them in centuries. all of them
looked so haggard save for ym who still
was chippy. isnt anything gonna bring her down?
before i continue i must say this:
CLIFFY IS A MOTHERFUCKINGPIECEOFCRAPSHIT!
ok, i feel so much better now.

i just wanna get my phone but no one seems to
helping! everyone's as shitty as ever! how can anyone
be like the way you guys are! you're a bunch of fuckers.
ARGH SHUT UP AND GET LOST!!!!!!

SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!!!!!!!!

2003-11-06T18:30:00.000+08:00

i hate you for not knowing, i hate you for
pretending that everything's all right when
even the blind can see that none of it is.

math paper 2 was a major screw up. didnt
manage to finish, read the last question 5
mins before stop time. it's was totally awful.
teared a little then turned round to see how
aijing was doing. she was crying too and i
was a lil surprised, i thought i was the only
one over reacting, gave her tissue and
proceeded front to continue with my tears.
and realised, sive, beside me was tearing as
well. do all have to be so emotional?

so it all comes down to the bloody truth and
that is: im mighty dumb. not gonna be able to
get into poly and prolly graduate from it by 19.
gonna stick round till im 20 and over before i
get a basic diploma. good on you, ashley!
that's the way to failurehood!

im not ready, im not ready at all. i havent been
studying, i just cant bring myself too. i dont
know why, it's as if ive got this major drawback
reaction whenever it's time for me to hit the books.
i need another year, i dont want to, but i havent
got any other choice.

the future's slipping.

2003-11-04T22:30:00.000+08:00

you dont hurt someone on
purpose and say you're sorry when you need
that person. you dont isolate your friend, you
dont force everyone not to talk to her
and say you're sorry months later when
you need her. you dont hurt your friend if she is
your friend at all. you dont hurt your friend and give a
lame excuse at the end of the day and tell her how much
you've missed her and take care to write down
that you'd understand why she didnt wanna
come back to you but deep down, you're expecting.

you dont do rumormongering about people you love,
about people you claim as close friends. you dont
ruin her reputation and backstab her so she'll never
get other friends. you dont do such things to people
you call your friends, you dont cause hurt.

you dont hurt, you dont lie, you dont pretend.

and most of all, you dont tell her she's the bestest friend
you'd ever had and ever loved the most,
when in truth, you dont, not one bit.

2003-11-04T17:45:00.000+08:00

i really owe it to cheryl to get everything
back in order.

i hate blogger, i really do. i cant get the
html right and now my blog doesnt have
a title. i dont what happened, i did put the
bloody title up there but it's not unless im
blind. and where's my links? all gone. all!
took me 3 years to type out all the links but
now everything's just gone. gone! gone!

had english paper today and social studies
as well. i think ill pass but i definitely wont ace
it. half the time, i was on auto pilot that means
i wasnt really thinking but just relying on my
hand. also brought chicken essence to school, had
about 10 minute sips and gave up. it tasted bad
with my empty stomach. tsk. lousy.

math is a total goner, guess ill have to retake
after all but im never stepping back into that
stinking school. i'd bid my time for 4 years
waiting for my chance to get out so im not gonna
waste it and go back.

physics was pretty easy actually, just that i freakin
forgot all the formulae for electricity and the crap.
cant believe it, id wrote down all of them 3 times before
i stepped into the hall. what's wrong with my brain?
hurts every time i think about somethin that's
math related.

is there such thing as a math allergy?

2003-11-01T17:30:00.000+08:00

like a rotten log,
half buried in the ground.
my life which has not flowered,
comes to this sad end.

2003-10-29T20:35:00.000+08:00

happy birthday to me
happy birthday to me
happy birthday to meeee....
happy birthday to me.

2003-10-25T23:01:00.000+08:00

HAPPY DIWALI EVERYONE!!!

yesterday was fun, went to jolene and siva's
place. ate and ate with double helpings. couldnt
resist. felt plump and on the verge of bursting all
day yesterday and today. jeans felt 3 inches tighter.

went to yaso's place today. packed, but equally fun.
food and more snacks. just sat down and watched
MTV(which totally rocks)! everyone else was playing
something... i forgot the name. well, it could have be
an even greater if that stupid someone didnt do that
something that that stupid someone did. tsk.

oh god, i havent been studying. please help me.

2003-10-23T23:27:00.000+08:00

There's another world inside of me
That you may never see
There's secrets in this life
That I can't hide
Somewhere in this darkness
There's a light that I can't find
Maybe it's too far away...
Maybe I'm just blind...

Maybe I'm just blind...

So hold me when I'm here
Love me when I'm wrong
Hold me when I'm scared
And love me when I'm gone
Everything I am
And everything you need
I'll also be the one
You wanted me to be
I'll never let you down
Even if I could
I'd give up everything
If only for your good
So hold me when I'm here
Love me when I'm wrong
You can hold me when I'm scared
You won't always be there
So love me when I'm gone

Love me when I'm gone...

When your education x-ray
Can not see under my skin
I won't tell you a damn thing
That I could not tell my friends
Roaming through this darkness
I'm alive but I'm alone
Part of me is fighting this
But part of me is gone

So hold me when I'm here

2003-10-21T21:02:00.000+08:00

guess what? my friend backstabbed me (again)
making up really sick nonsensical shit about
me. i mean c'mon, if you bitch about, i wouldnt
care because it's perfectly alright, but hey stick
to the facts. dont distort the truth and conveniently
leave out the good i did.

well, guess another. it's my graduation ceremony
tomorrow, i have no idea why it's tml. and it's in
the morning at 11am! well, the
school being ever so kind has arranged for 4 periods
of lessons before that! what the hell? and we still have
to have perfect attendence to school after the ceremony.
i went totally 'huh?' when i heard that!

never mind if there isnt a prom or some dinner but 4
periods before that with our school tie choking us up?
please. the only thing nice about the school is the
uniform. tsk. give us a break.

i was really pissed today by my classmate. well, it was
something she said, really, that made me, i dont know,
get really pissed?

it's bloody obvious that for all the times we've been
talking about, you havent understood a single thing.
you're just like the rest, no different. frankly, stop trying
to work your mind so hard so everything would fall in
place without you having to do anything. a simpleton
never achieves much.

2003-10-15T22:13:00.000+08:00

suddenly, everything seems so fake
and so far away. have i really been
so blind all these while. pathetic.

2003-10-13T13:23:00.000+08:00

maybe im just too sensitive but it's rather obvious that ive got friends
who're either plain dumb or
sensitivty-impaired.

it seems like blowing off ashley's the
in thing these days.

excuse me, but i didnt have a blog
to write all about the same thing. a blog's like a forum of self expression.
so if you actually happen to somehow read the same thing over and
hate it, x me. i could be more flexible
and extravagant in my writing but i
only wanna write the truth as well
as my true feelings. if depression is what
im going through then depression's
what i'll write. i didnt put "somente verdade" for nothing.
it means 'only truth' in portugese.
i should ban all geeks. tsk.

2003-10-12T14:34:00.000+08:00

i think depression or being in a sorrowful
state is extremely taxing. it just takes up so much
of energy. it doesnt allow you to sleep at the right
time, it doesnt let you eat right and most of all, it
doesnt let you think right. i think it's just in me that
i keep every thing inside me? im not very sure.
i cant say for sure if it's the people around me that
actually caused me to fold up inside. people who just
throw insults outloud, people who're insensitive or
people who simply have the EQ of a chicken.

does anyone tell other people straight in the faces that
they've got crooked toes?
(in case you're wondering, my toes are somewhat straight.
you can check them out yourself)
i have a great distaste for people who insult or make fun of
other people about something they didnt choose to have. like
say a sickness or something or a facial feature and what nots.
it's totally insensitive, dont you think, not to mention immature!
so you know who you are, not naming anyone.

i wont end this entry with a sad note today.

had a great day yesterday. managed to catch
up with some of the people ive been missing
so much and for so long.

nix: hope you enjoyed your lil party last night.
sorry had to leave early.

cheryl: dont understand why you love to match
make me with some other bungs. im straight la.
glad to finally see you though.

dine: a thousand years since we've chatted, yeah
gotta catch up soon. *smiles

chun: im not lesbians with nicole! we're just friends,
she treated me like crap so im complaining. nothing
otherwise! well, i must say your comment made me
giggle. hee.

poonam: thanks for the lil poem. it was really sweet
and nice.

yanlin: thanks for the conversations with had. no one
talks about the stuff we discuss, so it was every bit
enjoyable.

ta: hey, if you read, please leave your URL as well as
Denise's? I'll link you both, aite?

maine: dont know if you'll read this but err could you
upload the pictures? thanks so much!

layhan: thanks for announcing my departure last night!
hmpf!

books are ringing.

2003-10-09T22:40:00.000+08:00

there's something wrong with
the bloody mouse... getting everying
through the stupid arrows. not watching
bachelor tonight, he's nothing but 2 words
UG LY.

well, today i cried(again). i dont know why.
just talking about how i feet makes me start
tearing and it could be just one sentence:
i feel so sad. tsk.
*ashley, you're simply lousy.

scored a B3 for english. no not good. it was 69/100
1 more mark to an A2. if id gotten a 65, B3, id been
really glad id got that. but no, god had to be mean.
made me miss it by one mark. andrew got an A. tsk.

ive been trying to find the reason why ive become
the way i am. i dont know why but i think i was searching
for some form of excuse like "your parents divorced, that's
why you're so sad" or "your senses are too hyped up
maybe it's because of some childhood trauma..." i wish
everything i felt could be explained by one simple sentence,
but no it isnt that easy, things dont happen just like that.

as far i can remember, the initial stages of my so-called,
self-diagnosed atypical depression started when i was just
11. some nice teachers kept asking what the hell was wrong with
me but i didnt know. id just say, nope nothing's bothering me,
i had a late night, that's all, nothing to worry about, id go to
bed early tonight, promise. and they'll just go away but there was
this teacher who said, " stop lying. i can see it in your eyes. im a
mother myself, you cant fool me" i really wanted to answer her. but
tell her what? tell her i felt depressed? no wait, i didnt even know that
word existed then.

with each passing day, i become more reclusive. somehow, my mind
forbids my mouth to talk. i dont know why my mind came up with
this stupid system but it just did. maybe it's the friends around me.
everyone takes but doesnt give, only for my case it seems.
i just wanna talk again but everytime i approach someone, feeling like
im so very ready to spill but when i actually reach the person, ill go,
" hey, how was the paper?" or "you wanna hear a joke?" or
"you know what, (name) is such a bitch, you know she did..." and the words
just dont come out.

they never do.

2003-10-08T18:01:00.000+08:00

does anyone want english tuition?

REMEMBER, YOU HAVE TO COMMENT!

no, it wasnt a good day,
good days dont happen to girls
like me. i dont deserve it.
yeah, i keep saying that people
treat me like total crap, you must be
wondering, is it really? but she seems
so happy all the time. well, fuck that.

im like a vagrant. everyone thinks i dont
need anybody. that im strong, and sturdy
both emtionally and mentally and probably
physically. im not. im nothing like that.
if only someone would actually take the time to
know me, to understand me... but of course
im not worth the time of any of you guys right?
just not cool enough, pretty enough, smart enough,
nice enough, understanding enough.
to the world, im this manipulative bitch who thinks
she's way up high but.... im not.

i dont live in a pretty house, have parents who
give me princess treatment, dont have friends
who truly love and appreciate me and who really
wanna be a part of my life. no i dont. im just this
girl wandering about, waiting for the whole show
to be over and be glad when it is.

im sick, in
pain and most probably dying. i dont wanna be sent
to places where freaks go. no, i dont know what i want.
is it attention, is it love, is it appreciation and is it just
to stare in the face.

hell, i dont even know who i am anymore.

no wait, i never knew who i was.

2003-10-07T21:55:00.000+08:00

nicole: please, stop doing this to me.
dont act like you're all care and concern
for me when you probably dont even give
a fuck. well, i think ive had it.
ive tried solving whatever shit was between us
you compromised but obviously being the
person that you are, you broke it.
im emotionally drained. courtesy of nicole.

i dont need you, i never did. stop behaving like
an easy slut. i dont think we should even be friends.
you've done too much.

2003-10-06T17:02:00.000+08:00

You should be dating a Scorpio.
23 October - 21 November
Your mate is passionately caring, dynamic and
sensual. Though he or she can be self-
destructive, ruthless or overbearing, the
scorpion's sex life involves releasing his/her
most pent-up passions.

What Zodiac Sign Are You Attracted To?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-10-05T16:55:00.000+08:00

yesterday, went on a hunt for a blue sari with
jolene down serangoon road. i just love that place...
so traditional, gives me the nostalgic vibes... cant wait
for the invention of a time machine...

so walked around for hours... seemed like we walked
into every shop twice... the sari i liked was sold out... sad
gotta go back next week to get it. im getting it no matter
what.

"this is my blog, and i'll say whatever i want to. these words
belong to me" well, i think this is an over used cliche. no offense
to anyone who takes offense. i feel that no matter what we put
on up on the blog is what other people would wanna read. you
dont say how much some one sucked if that person actually went
online or that you wanna bitch abt your good friend or something
like that. you could get yourself killed, eh? if i were to report on the
weather everyday, would anyone actually wanna come visit my blog?
i dont think so, the reason why we're writing is that we want people
to read the blog and not what we truly feel. this is going nowhere.

i think everyone feels this way: you let people know you're sad and
depressed but when they call, and start harassing you about your
problems, you get totally irritated and start wishing you never said a
thing. i feel like that most of the time. it's like yeah, im depressed, so
just leave me alone to brood, dont start calling or acting up like you
really care. it's like me having to personally invite you into my life to
help me, relieve me. ugh.

i really need a change of persona.

cheryl: the world is evil by nature. they're born with it. not even
babies are innocent. people say so only because they dont realise
that the babies cant think at the age.

im blabbering again.

had a consultation with my english teacher on friday. she's not so
bad after all. she had me waited an hour for her when our appt
was immediately after school. so i had to be unproductive for an hour
while she totally orgot abt me and was out enjoying lunch with some
other shit teachers. tsk!

praised me for my paper 1 said it was extremely well written.
WHO IN THE RIGHT MIND WOULD THINK THAT A TRIP INTO
THE AMAZON WAS AN ENJOYABLE READ? i thought the essay was
diametrically b o r i n g. anyhow, i scored for it. ha. at least
i know that when you reach the late twenties, you become absurdly
boring. i dont wanna grow up if that's the case.

sleeping at 12 plus every night, waking up at 5 plus in the morn to study.
if my calculations are right, at the rate im going, id probably need a face lift
when im 20.

2003-10-03T23:06:00.000+08:00

blogger's acting weird these days... erm...
or is it just me... well, im in one of my moods again...
i mean, what's new.

so nicole thong cancelled out on me again...
what's new again... it's like the 1000th or something...
and all the excuses she gives are lame and full of shit...
i dont care if you read this because i think
ive got just about enough of your shit. you're no better
than terry or those people who give me crap all the time...
you treat me like fuck and give me crap shit 24/7

no, you never were my best friend. i cant believe im finally
saying this! well, thank god for the guts to actually be frank,
you wouldnt get to read this anyway. i never told you this
because i knew you had to depend on someone and all your
life, there wasnt anyone who stayed by your side for more
than 6 months... i know the reason behind but i'd no idea why
i was well, dumb enough to do so. to be treated like dirt and
kicked around like a foot ball. enough.

you're such a fair-weathered friend. i could go on for ever just
describing the way to treat me and that's only the tip of the
iceberg... i'll spare everyone.

it's always because of people like you that land people like me
into depression. not that i chose to but look at the amt of fuck
people are throwing at me. and whenever i feel like slitting my wrists,
which is pretty often, some peopl'll just come up to me... try to comfort me...
say all the stuff you're suppose to say when someone's trying to
kill herself. but i think, the reason why people tell me not to kill myself is that
they dont wanna be the ones who feel guilty if i really died and
they'd probably pride themselves as ashley's saviour.

once again, i could go on forever about stuff like that, did i forget
to mention i love writing and typing? which explains my lengthy
updates.

ive tried killing myself once and obviously, i didnt succeed. im not proud of it
i dont consider it an achievement. most people'll
think that, yeah it's normal to wanna hurt yourself, it's the hormones.
im not sure about that, all i know is that, ive been sad for years and havent
shown it yet. some how, every time im around people, my mind switches
to auto-pilot and i become the lively and lame ashley and acting as if i'm
on top of the world and that i can never be sad or depressed
but just happy or angry.

i think deep down inside im like a depressive - broken.

i'm broken. inside.

2003-10-02T23:03:00.000+08:00

My inner child is ten years old!

The adult world is pretty irrelevant to me. Whether
I'm off on my bicycle (or pony) exploring, lost
in a good book, or giggling with my best
friend, I live in a world apart, one full of
adventure and wonder and other stuff adults
don't understand.

How Old is Your Inner Child?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-10-02T15:57:00.000+08:00

PEOPLE: WITH EFFECT FROM OCTOBER 2ND, IF YOU READ THIS BLOG, YOU HAVE TO COMMENT! IT'S A RULE! *SMILES

i'm a total failure!!! im a total html idiot!!! cheryl, i know you feel like killing me... i screwed everything up!!! im such a shit head!!!

ok but cheryl, I LOVE YOU!!! thanks so much!!!

it hasnt been a good week so far. first, was late on monday then got my results the same day. tuesday, overslept and didnt go to school. wednesday, overslept again but decided not to miss any more lessons(i'm a good girl), so took the risk and headed for school. reached school at 1130am

vp was infuriated, claimed he called my home in the morn to check if i was dead or alive but no one picked up the call. i didnt hear anything, i swear, wasnt like i did it on purpose... sent me to a 3 hour detention. told him he was wasting my time and that he was spoiling my plans.
but he insisted that i stayed in school to study to make up for the time i was late, i said, " FUCK YOU!!!" well, i wish i did say that but i didnt, didnt have the guts so settled with just a "Whatever!"

a wasted afternoon, didnt get to study at all. came home, lazed a round a lil bit, watched charmed then studied somemore till 1am.

i shouldnt get so upset abt my prelim marks. it wasnt so bad, really. i improved in math but it's still an F9... i did put in that effort. humanities downgraded from a B3 to a C? English from an A2 to a C? Chinese, C5 to C6? that wasnt so bad, was it?

2003-09-30T23:09:00.000+08:00

ok, so ive cried my eyes out yesterday after i got my prelim results. i totally flunk it... there was not a thing i passed save for english, chinese and humanities. mind you i didnt ace them.

so this is the crap marks im getting when my o's are like less than a month away. im still doodling around. i keep telling myself "ashley, you've got to study!!!" and yet, my limbs dont move and my mind doesnt come alive and still adamantly refuses to stick any info in. im doomed. im 16 and going worthless. the so called bright future that i'm suppose to have is dimming. seems like im gonna be stuck in nowhereland.

im in an extremely delusional and unstable state. my mind and emotions that is. i can cry for the slightest reason and i dont even know why. and no, im not PMS-ing and this isnt one of those adolescent fits. im going crazy and no one gives a fuck. actually, i dont have any one to give a fuck about.

yesterday, when i was about to burst and wondering who i should pour my heart out to, i realised, hey i dont have anyone to down my woes with and that actually, well, im all alone. so many things have happened, i get more depressed everyday. i dont when it all started but all the damage's surfacing right now. it's like saying "ashley, you can fucking kiss the wall and die the next" well, guess im already dead.